2020年第3回-準1級エッセイ課題

ここでは、実際に添削された文章を見てみましょう。

お題（英検準１級・２０２０年第３回）

● Write an essay on the given TOPIC.
● Use TWO of the POINTS below to support your answer.
● Structure: Introduction, main body, and conclusion
● Suggested length: 120–150 words

TOPIC:
Agree or disagree: More people should become vegetarians in the future

POINTS
●Animal rights
●Cost
●Environment
●Health

添削前の文

I agree with the idea that more people should become vegetarians in the future because there are clear advantages in terms of animal rights and health.

First, becoming vegetarians leads to protecting animal rights. These days, most people around the would eat meats, so the number of animals like chickens or porks is decreasing. Moreover, these animals cannot live free lives because we offen glow them in the cage. Therefore, we should become vegetarians so that a lot of animals can be free.

Second, eating vegetables is good for our health.
It is said that Japanese people do not have enough quantity of vegetables to stay healthy. To prevent us from getting sick, we should become vegetarians and eat more vegetables.

In conclusion, from the viewpoint of animal rights and health, the number of people who eat only vegetables should increase in the future.

このエッセイに対する、修正案は下記の通りです。なお、意図のニュアンスが変わらないように、修正案は原文ママとしています。

※この答案は合格ラインを超えていると思われるので些細な指摘のみとなっております。

原文	添削例
I agree with the idea that more people should become vegetarians in the future because there are clear advantages in terms of animal rights and health.	I agree with the idea that more people should become vegetarians in the future because there are clear advantages in terms of animal rights and [our] health.
These days, most people around the would eat meats, so the number of animals like chickens or porks is decreasing.	These days, most people around the would eat meats, so the number of animals like chickens or [pigs] is decreasing.
It is said that Japanese people do not have enough quantity of vegetables to stay healthy.	It is said that Japanese people [are not eating] enough quantity of vegetables to stay healthy.
In conclusion, from the viewpoint of animal rights and health, the number of people who eat only vegetables should increase in the future.	In conclusion, from the viewpoint of animal rights and (our) health, the number of people who eat only vegetables should increase in the future.

くりなの感想（ただの感想です）

この方が書く英作文は、準１級ではうまいほうだと思います。
ただし１つ目の理由で書きすぎたのかと思われたんでしょうか…二個めの理由が手薄になってしまっています。
個人的な経験ですが、文字数を気にして端折ってしまうより、いっぱい書いたほうが点数が上がる印象があるため、たくさん書いた方が良いと思っています。