2021年第1回-準1級エッセイ課題

ここでは、実際に添削された文章を見てみましょう。

お題（英検準１級・２０２１年第１回）

● Write an essay on the given TOPIC.
● Use TWO of the POINTS below to support your answer.
● Structure: Introduction, main body, and conclusion
● Suggested length: 120–150 words

TOPIC:
Agree or disagree: Big companies have a positive effect on society

Points
●Products
●The economy
●The environment
●Work-life balance

添削前の文

I agree with the idea that big companies have a positive effect on society because there are clear advantages in terms of products and work-life balance.

First, people have a better live by buying products made by big corporations. Large companies have a lot of workers, so these companies can have a variety of ideas and skills to create something useful. As a result, the high quality of products that big companies make allows us to live a more comfortable life.

Second, large corporations are more likely to keep their workers’ work-life balance. Big companies make rules that prevent their employees from working overtime in order to let them spend more time relaxing at home because large corporations are responsible for protecting many workers’ lives.

In conclusion, from the viewpoint of products and work-life balance, big companies are most certainly beneficial for society.

このエッセイはすでにかなりできていますが・・・
一応、修正案は下記の通りです。なお、意図のニュアンスが変わらないように、修正案は原文ママとしています。
くりな的に重要だと感じたところは太字にしています。

原文	添削例　(カッコ内が修正箇所です)
people have a better live by buying products made by big corporations.	people [lead] a better live by buying products made by big corporations.
Large companies have a lot of workers, so these companies can have a variety of ideas and skills to create something useful.	Large companies have a lot of workers, so these companies [have/can collect] a variety of ideas and skills to create something useful.
As a result, the high quality of products that big companies make allows us to live a more comfortable life.	As a result, [high quality products] that big companies make [allow] us to live a more comfortable life.
Big companies make rules that prevent their employees from working overtime in order to let them spend more time relaxing at home because large corporations are responsible for protecting many workers’ lives.	Big companies [have] rules that prevent their employees from working overtime in order to let them spend more time relaxing at home because large corporations are responsible for protecting [their] workers’ lives.