2019年度第3回-準1級エッセイ課題

ここでは、実際に添削された文章を見てみましょう。

お題（英検準１級・２０１９年第３回）

　●Write an essay on the given TOPIC.
　●Use Two of the Points below to support your answer.
　●Structure: Introduction, main body, and conclusion
　●Suggested length: 120-150 words

TOPIC: Do companies need to improve the way they treat their workers?

Points
　●Health
　●Male-female equality
　●Salaries
　●Work-life balance

添削前の文

I agree with the idea that companies need to improve way they treat their workers.

First, recently many people are damaged for their health. They have to work until they finish their work. However, if they didn`t finish, they come home late. That is to say, their life style would be worse. For example, when they came home late at midnight, they may not eat dinner. Moreover, they go to bed late. It is not good for their health. If they spend such a life, they would be sick.

Second, keeping work-life balance are important. If they only work, they can`t enjoy their life. Therefore, sometimes they need to enjoy their hobbies. Enjoying hobbies are making their happiness. Then, balancing work and hobbies leads to a great life.

For these reasons, I think that companies need to improve way they treat their workers.

この文章に対する、修正案は下記の通りです。なお、意図のニュアンスが変わらないように、修正案は原文ママとしています。
くりな的に重要だと感じたところは太字にしています。

原文	添削例
I agree with the idea that companies need to improve way they treat their workers.	the way. the が抜けてる。厳しいかもしれないですが。個人的見解です。申し訳ないんだけれども、第一の理由が幼稚的だから文章も添削というよりは、内容を変えてもう一度ここにあげてみて下さい。
First, recently many people are damaged for their health.	従業員の健康という主語を持ってきた方が良い気がします。で、言い切っちゃってる。エッセイでは断定的な表現を使い過ぎないように。曖昧さのある表現も使って書きます。may、can、be likely to、might 、could など。
They have to work until they finish their work.	work overtime って事ですよね？
However, if they didn`t finish, they come home late.	書く必要無し。
That is to say, their life style would be worse. For example, when they came home late at midnight, they may not eat dinner.	that is to say必要なし。前の文で遅い帰宅って言ってますよ。For example 要らない。
Moreover, they go to bed late.	うーん。文法的にはokayだけど、これではちょっとね。