ここでは、実際に添削された文章を見てみましょう。
● Write an essay on the given TOPIC.
● Use TWO of the POINTS below to support your answer.
● Structure: Introduction, main body, and conclusion
● Suggested length: 120–150 words
TOPIC:
Should people’s salaries be based on their job performance?
Points
- Age
- Company profits
- Company profits
- Skills
I believe that people’s salaries should be based on their job performance. I would like to support my opinion in terms of company profits and motivation.
Firstly, company has to pay everyone the same salaries if it is not based on the employee’s job performance. In order to save company’s profits, they should pay high wages only for the workers who contributed for the company.
Secondly, people can be motivated to work hard if the company evaluate their job skills. For instance, when the employee achieved a big project, companies can give them a reward of bonus. This system will enable to keep people motivated to contribute for the company.
In conclusion, salaries based on people’s job performance can benefit both company and workers.
この文章に対する、修正案は下記の通りです。なお、意図のニュアンスが変わらないように、修正案は原文ママとしています。
くりな的に重要だと感じたところは太字にしています。
※今回の添削は文法のみです。
| 原文 | 添削例 |
| company has to pay everyone the same salaries if it is not based on the employee’s job performance. | companies と複数形にすること。一般的なことなら、the employeeは違います。 |
| In order to save company’s profits, they should pay high wages only for the workers who contributed for the company. | contributed for は違います。他動詞自動詞ありますが。contribute の使い方を調べてみて下さい。 |
| people can be motivated to work hard if the company evaluate their job skills. | これもthe company ではありません。 |
| when the employee achieved a big project, companies can give them a reward of bonus. | これもthe employeeとなってて、次がthemはおかしいですね。あと、時制もおかしいです。 a reward of bonusってフレーズあまり言わないかな。私は向こうの国に住んでいた時聞いた事ないかなぁ？成功報酬の意味合いでbonus compensation やincentive bonusって言ったりしますね。 |
| This system will enable to keep people motivated to contribute for the company. | enable の使い方が違います。contributeも違います。 |
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