ここでは、実際に添削された文章を見てみましょう。
● Write an essay on the given TOPIC.
● Use TWO of the POINTS below to support your answer.
● Structure: Introduction, main body, and conclusion
● Suggested length: 120–150 words
TOPIC:
Agree or disagree: High school education in Japan needs to be improved
POINTS
●Curriculum
●Globalization
●Pressure on students
●Quality of teaching
Some people say that high school education needs to be improved while others say that should not. Personally, I concur with the idea for the following two reasons.
First of all, it is considered that high quality English education is necessary for our future to connect with other countries. Most of Japanese high School emphasis on reading and writing skills than speaking. However, it is essential to improve their speaking skills because enhancing students speaking skills can lead to the contribution to Japanese society.
Second of all, I believe that Japanese high school have to change their curriculum. it is not enough for students to go to school on only weekdays. They should also go to school on Saturdays so that they learn more practical studies. The increase in the amount of their learning time is able to gain their knowledge.
According to the reasons I stated above, I think that Japanese school must improve their education.
このエッセイに対する、修正案は下記の通りです。なお、意図のニュアンスが変わらないように、修正案は原文ママとしています。
| 原文 | 添削例 |
| I concur with the idea for the following two reasons. | どのideaか(agreeの立場だと)明確に述べた方が良いと思います。in terms of…A＆Bを使うとよいでしょう。 |
| Most of Japanese high School | …schools(複数) |
| Seconf of all, | Second, またはSecondlyが一般的(使うらしいが、あんまり使わない) |
| I believe Japanese high school have to… | ここもschools(複数形)で |
| learn more practical studies | practice more や have more practices |
| he increase in the amount of… | The increasing amount of… |
| is able to gain their knowledge | allows them to obtain more knowledge |
“high school education””は一つの概念ですが、高校を指す場合、ここでは、個々の高校がそれぞれ改革をするという考え方で、複数の高校とするのが良いと思います。
according toは人の意見を引用する場合に使うのが一般的でしょう。自分の上記の理由を引き出すのであれば、as…(…の通り)でいいと思います。
コメント