ここでは、実際に添削された文章を見てみましょう。
● Write an essay on the given TOPIC.
● Use THREE of the POINTS below to support your answer.
● Structure: Introduction, main body, and conclusion
● Suggested length: 200–240 words
TOPIC:
Agree or disagree: Genetic engineering will have a positive influence on society in the future
The importance of genetic engineering is increasingly surging these days. Although some argue that there are some detrimental effects in genetic engineering, I believe that genetic engineering will have a positive influence on society in the future.
First, genetic engineering will lead to encouraging the national economy. For example, a report issued by Hokkaido University shows that genetic engineering can avoid a food crisis. This means that genetic engineering would skyrocket the number of crops thanks to genetic operations in genes, which can lead to substantial results in humans.
Second, genetic engineering also will bring about enhancing the quality of life. As I mentioned before, genetic engineering can solve the impending problems in the world. Since one of the main causes of wars is a lack of food, solving this problem with genetic engineering will make our lives easier.
Finally, genetic engineering can job opportunities for many people who are interested in challenging tasks. In general, dealing with genetic engineering needs scientific knowledge and passion for addressing problems such as health and food. This means that some companies have to recruit a large number of people to research.
In conclusion, for these reasons I’ve stated, a significant people’s quality of life, fostering economic improvement, and expanding employment opportunities, all of which lead to have a beneficial effect on citizens and make it clear that genetic engineering will have a pivotal role in modern society in the future.
このエッセイに対する、修正案は下記の通りです。なお、意図のニュアンスが変わらないように、修正案は原文ママとしています。
| 原文 | 添削例 |
| The importance of genetic engineering is increasingly surging these days. Although some argue that there are some detrimental effects in genetic engineering, I believe that genetic engineering will have a positive influence on society in the future. | The importance of genetic engineering is increasing * (importance is surgingとは言えない） these days. Although some argue that there are some detrimental effects caused by genetic engineering, I believe that genetic engineering will have a positive influence on society in the future. |
| First, genetic engineering will lead to encouraging the national economy. For example, a report issued by Hokkaido University shows that genetic engineering can avoid a food crisis. | 1 First, …と 2 For example, 以下の２つについて 二番は一番の例ではない First, genetically engineered crops can contribute to increased food supplies. For example, a report issued by Hokkaido University shows that the use of genetic engineering in agriculture could help avoid a food crisis. と書き換える |
| This means that genetic engineering would skyrocket the number of crops thanks to genetic operations in genes, which can lead to substantial results in humans. | In other words genetic engineering could substanially increase (skyrocket は目的語を取らない) the amount of crops (作物の種類数ではなく、生産量ですよね？)grown. |
| Second, genetic engineering also will bring about enhancing the quality of life. As I mentioned before, genetic engineering can solve the impending problems in the world. Since one of the main causes of wars is a lack of food, solving this problem with genetic engineering will make our lives easier. | Second, genetic engineering will also enhance (bring about enhancing は不自然で字稼ぎっぽい) our quality of life. As I mentioned before, genetic engineering can help solve the impending problems in the world. Since one of the main causes of wars is a lack of food, (この根拠は？)solving this problem with genetic engineering will make our lives easier. |
| Finally, genetic engineering can job opportunities for many people who are interested in challenging tasks. In general, dealing with genetic engineering needs scientific knowledge and passion for addressing problems such as health and food. This means that some companies have to recruit a large number of people to research. | Finally, increased prominence of genetic engineering can create job opportunities (遺伝子組み換え実態で就職の機会を作ることはできないので) for many people who are interested in challenging tasks. In general, dealing with genetic engineering needs scientific knowledge and a passion for addressing problems such as health and food. This means that companies have to recruit a large number of people to research. (こちらも因果関係が微妙) |
| In conclusion, 以下 | In conclusion, for the reasons stated above, I think it is clear that genetic engineering will have a beneficial effect on society in the future.(添削前の文は長すぎて、文として成立していない） |
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